"If hate could win battles, I would have won mine a long time ago." - Jinu (KPop Demon Hunters)
To be fair, my hate is a fake hate, a placeholder to blame someone for everything I don't like —about them, mostly, but still. Hate doesn't win battles. If anything, it's either forgiveness, or total destruction... and you know you're a pacifist.
You want to run away from the fact that you were a bad person
But that is precisely what is making you grow
Learn from your mistakes
I could go on about how we all have done something we regret and how we can learn from our mistakes, but it's either clear, or you won't get it until it happens to you.
"Fantasy has become so high quality, diverse and realist, that reality is starting to look boring." - Thoughts kept
Don't quote me on that. This thought is a result of a few things, and ultimately: Desensitization.
That word has become so prevalent in my life that it might haunt me for a while. Some call it the "mid-life crisis", some simply "depression", but I refuse to accept that.
The feeling that you don't enjoy things like you used to. Candy isn't as sweet, games aren't as fun, thrill isn't as exciting, sex isn't as rewarding. Too tired to hang out with people, or discover new places; it's just not worth it. Porn, technology, and lately, AI have reinforced this condition. You don't have to travel far to see some breathtaking views. You don't have to work hard in a relationship with someone to see a person naked. You don't even need to leave your room to have fun. Now that I think of it, half of those probably apply to the new generations, raised by technology and the 2020's lockdown.
I think we should just go out more.
"I'm looking for happiness in things I no longer care about." - Thoughts kept
Every time A happens, B happens.
That was the original title of this entry, because I didn't know it was an actual thing. Confirmation Bias. Below is my attenpt to describe it.
First time I noticed this was playing a fighting game with my brother. There was a specific move he'd frequently pull on me. I said something like: "Why do you ALWAYS connect that?". He tried his best to explain that it doesn't always work, it just seemed that way because I would only notice when it actually worked.
Second time I noticed this was after repeatedly hearing the same little story from Mom. Something along the lines of: "Did you see? We came into this restaurant and there were no other customers. Only after we arrived, people started showing up. I've been told before, people like me have a gift; wherever we go, abundancy and prosperity follow." I always thought it was corny as heck, but never said anything. She would only notice the times when it actually happened, and thought it was some sort of gift.
Since then, I see people do it all the- frequently. They do it frequently.
"The past is so strange. It's like a fantasy, something that doesn't exist. And yet it never goes away." - Thoughts kept
I don't know if I'm getting old, but looking at the past starts to feel like trying to recall a dream. I know certain things happened, but I don't remember the details, and I hardly remember the feelings. There are things that happened so long ago that they don't even matter anymore.
This is reinforced by the constant advice from everyone to leave the past in the past, to enjoy the present.
Do you know why you shouldn't watch too much horror? Too much gore? There are certain things that are "bad", that you know you shouldn't dig too deeply into. Either because you get desensitized, or because you could get scarred.
When you're older and have stored in your head so many songs, and movies, and phrases, and memes, it's inevitable to bring one up when it sounds similar to something you just heard.
The most haunting feeling, is your mind bringing something dark up. It's inevitable, it's in your mind. Something someone said or did reminded you of that one dark video you once saw and have been trying not to think about too much.
On a similar note, the only reason I don't get scared at night is because I stopped watching too much horror long ago. Consuming horror media fills your minds with images and ideas that will get back to you at your most vulnerable.
The mind is a powerful thing.
"People fool themselves." - Thoughts kept
I've noticed sometimes people ask you something, and if you stare for too long, they suggest an answer themselves. All you have to do is nod. People make assumptions all the time. People also hate feeling awkward. People hate confrontations. People will choose to believe something even if it's not entirely right. Beliefs and faith are often stronger than the truth.
