Bad experiences

"Bad experiences are often the most memorable." - M.C. Serna

I can't remember his full name, nor the exact quote, but he was my professor when studying my Master. It sounds like one of those silly things teachers say when you're having a bad time, but it has stuck with me. He gave my group a really hard assignment for the next day, and that's what he told us. I wonder if this happened to him in the same way, or why did he say that, but it was pretty accurate. We decided to spend the whole night working on the assignment. No sleep, just work... and pizza, and drinks, and music. We spent the whole night together working on that assignment, ended up really tired and sleepy, but it was a really memorable experience. 

When I look back, I have plenty of awful experiences that I can remember clearly, and sometimes… fondly. Why is it that even a bad experience, becomes a cherished one when we're looking back?

It’s like that scene from the movie Click. The protagonist realized his dog was dead and got really sad. He then remembered that the last time he saw his dog, it was trying to hump his leg and he didn't let him. "…And I should've let him and I'm sorry!"

Likewise, I scolded my little friend for eating my cookies. I knew full well that it didn't matter, but I scolded her anyway, trying to discipline her or whatever. What if I never see her again? Was it worth it?

Habit makes love

"Habit makes love." - Thoughts Kept

Some will say that you shouldn't confuse love with habit, but I don't think there's anything wrong in that. Many fall in love with people simply by spending a lot of time together. You fall in love with people by the way they repeat certain gestures and attitudes over and over again. 

I also think it's curious how memes are funny just because you've seen the same joke once and again in different contexts.

Early nostalgia

How can I be nostalgic of the Resident Evil 4 save theme? I was playing that game with my brother like a month ago. Am I sad that it's over? Doesn't something have to be meaningful, or really happy, or have happened long ago to be nostalgic? 

Rather love than be loved

"If you have to choose, it is always better to love than to be loved." - Toughts Kept

To love, someone who you really love and not just beacause you must, brings you deep happiness. Being loved, particularly by someone you don't love, is just... nice, I guess. It's like that quote from the movie Adaptation.

"You are what you love, not what loves you." - Donald Kaufman, from the movie Adaptation.

Religion for morals

"Religion is a great tool for teaching morals." - Thoughts Kept

It's great for kids, and for people too dumb to understand. You could explain people why some things are good or bad, why they're right or wrong, but that requires a lot of understanding.

Most biblical teachings have some logic to it, and the best part is that you don't need to understand them. It's all about obedience. 

Waiting for something to happen?

I think I get it now. Omori was living in denial, waiting for something to happen to break out of it. I think I get it because it applies to me now.

"Some things we don't really understand, until they happen to us." - Thoughts Kept

Late to the party

Sometimes I tell someone about something, but they don't listen, or don't care.

Then, much later, they tell me the exact same thing, and I'm like... 

FUCK!
I told you! I told you long ago! Why didn't you listen to me? Why did you only listen when someone else told you the same thing? Too late now! 
This... all goes on in my head, of course.

It's the same feeling when you love something that's brand new, nobody cares, but then it suddenly becomes popular and that kind of ruins it for you. I no longer share the things that I enjoy, people only know how to ruin things, or never really appreciate them as much as you do.

I know... 

"Some things we don't really understand, until they happen to us." - Thoughts Kept

That reminds me... of all the life advice I give out and everyone ignores. I often tell Mom: We could spend so much time and effort giving advice, we can try real hard so other people don't make the same mistakes as us, but it's no use. They will never listen. We have to let them make their own mistakes. Only then will they understand.

In my darkest hours

In my darkest hours
I basked in indulgence and escapism
Today I remember my darkest hours
Dearly

-----

The VR headset

Visual novels

Writing

Making art

Daydreaming

Why go outside and meet real people with real problems... when I can stay safely inside in these perfect worlds where nothing can hurt me?

Blue pill

I was recently thinking that there isn't a debate between idealism and realism, and then realized it's literally the the red pill vs the blue pill. I blame myself for never watching The Matrix.

I remember this conversation I had with my brother about the ending of "Persona 5 Royal" (Spoilers ahead). I never played the game, but he explained to me that the protagonists had the choice to live in a perfect world, a world of lies, where they could have everything they ever wanted; or returning to their own world. Maybe he didn't explain this fully, maybe I'm wrong, but I just couldn't conceive why would you rather choose to live in the real world rather than the perfect world. 

I am blue-pilled, I've always been. If I don't see it, it's not there. I don't read the news, I don't actively investigate about tragedy, crime, illnesses. I am not only a happy person, but also a blessed one, because these bad things somehow haven't happened to me. I suppose I can thank my parents for making me a pretty tame person. I don't drink, or do drugs, or wander around at night, or get into fights. I'm very obedient, I don't defy the authorities, I am a conformist. I basically live in my own little utopy, and shy away from the bad things going on in the world that I live in.

Enjoy the pain

When life “hits” you, we have been taught to get up, and never give up. My way of "fighting" life has always been to not give so much importance to bad things, to evade those blows from life. I now believe that if you avoid and ignore the bad things that are happening, you are not fighting: you are running away.

Take those blows, accept them, feel them. Faced with all those bad things that happen to you: get angry, sad, disappointed, and move on. Do not ignore or forget them, for they are valuable lessons.

Don't run from the pain. Since we were kids, we've run away from unpleasant things because we thought they were "bad". When you grow up, you start to realize that they are a part of life. Bitter coffee, sad novels, even the intense pain the day after exercising, are things that you can somehow enjoy. If you've involuntarily laughed when something hurts a lot, you'll know what I mean. If you have laughed ironically at something unfortunate or unfair, if you "laugh so as not to cry", you'll know too.

When we start to accept pain, we will be more prepared to face life.

We don't enjoy being patronized

"We don't enjoy being patronized. We got used to it." - Thoughts Kept

This is no life advice, it's just something I said to my brother when he asked me why I couldn't say "no". I was raised to be very obedient. Sometimes it's easier to just do what you're told than arguing with the other person; this is specially true around women, and many men have told me so. I like being obedient, it's a form of discipline, and it really makes things easier; you earn "points" with the people around you, in case you need something from them. 
Sometimes I don't really feel like doing something, so I just keep quiet for a second, settle my feelings, and respond with a quick and simple "ok". I've already agreed to do what I was asked to do, might as well get it over with.

Live life. Breathe air.

"Live life. Breathe air. Somehow we're gonna get there." - iCarly opening theme

It's basically just "take it easy", but it really caught me off-guard when I heard someone say it in a conversation.

Men don't matter

Men don't need love
Men don't need to feel a warm embrace
Men don't feel lonely
Men don't feel scared
Men don't like cute things
Men don't cry
Men don't feel sad
Men don't have petty problems
Men don't feel ashamed or embarrassed
Men don't feel pain
Men don't feel tired
Men don't regret their choices
Men don't hesitate

Stop loving

The best thing you can do is to stop loving people. When you love someone, you're careful of every word that comes out of your mouth, and you suffer a lot when you say or do the wrong thing. I have received so many complaints, often for stupid things, that I've had enough. I don't care anymore. I'll try to be polite, but if I say something that makes you feel bad, I don't give a shit. It's better this way.

We don't have to impress anyone. We often do things from the heart, to make the other person happy, to receive a simple "thank you". But frequently there is no "thank you", it is more common to receive a complaint because it was not exactly what that person wanted. Again, when it comes from someone you love, it really hurts. When it comes from someone you tolerate, you don't care.

What if you do good but you don't mean it?

What happens to your good deeds even if they don't come from the heart?

This hit me hard, but... that's just being selfish. You're not a good person; you're biologically programmed to help others, in hopes that you can receive help from them at some point. That's how societies work.

Desensitized

When you're young, there are plenty of things you haven't done much, or ever. They're enticing, exciting, unnerving. As you grow older, many of these things become boring. 

Maybe it's normal, there's nothing exciting in something which you already know the outcome. Maybe it just needs a change in context. Holding your crush hand will probably make you nervous, but not after she becomes your girlfriend and you've done it a few times; then again, if you fall in love with a new person, you'd be nervous to hold this new person's hand. I don't know, it's just an example.

It may have something to do with me trying really hard to not feel anything. Feelings make us weak, anyway. That's why I've come to a point where I've mentalized myself so I don't feel embarrased about plenty of things, and I don't give importance to many things. It's nice not having to worry so much about stuff, but it also makes life really dull at times.

21/jan/2023

I keep thinking about my little friend losing her tickle sense. It can feel good, it can be a torture, but she trained herself not to feel anything. Now she misses the feeling. Sometimes, I miss feeling too.

Gratitude

I've had everything I ever wanted. I have everything I ever wanted.

Romantic relationships, intimacy, adventures, risks, toys. A profession that I like, a job that I enjoy, a house, a car, a family. Maybe I'm on the conformist side, but I can hardly think of something I want that I've never had.

I try to remember this whenever I feel that things are hard or not fair for me. We take everything for granted, but we need to start counting our blessings before we start complaining about our problems.

I have everything I ever wanted, I've done everything I ever wanted. If I were to die, I wouldn't be missing out on a lot. The list of things you can do in life is endless anyway. I can't expect to experience every experience, I need to settle for the things that I want the most, which I already have, and I'm thankful for. This always reminds me of the Skyrim skill tree, the way that I wanted to master every skill, which simply didn't make sense in a game, and it doesn't make sense in life either. This also reminds me of my perfectionism, my enjoyment for being a completionist. I won't 100% life, but I'm darned sure I've enjoyed it very much.

Sex

"What if sex wasn't part of a relationship with a woman? Any woman. What if meeting a girl doesn't imply looking for a partner?" - Thoughts Kept

I always get nervous when meeting women. It's as if... pretty girls are always expecting men to have sexual thoughts about them, or romantic intentions. I can't stop thinking about that when I meet girls and it makes me extra uncomfortable.

I've come to a point where I've decided I do not want a girlfriend anymore. Too much trouble. I don't even want sex anymore. Any girl that enters into my life I must now see as a potential friend, and that's about it. If anything else is going to happen, it will happen anyway.

The quote originally came from a different train of thought:

As men we were taught that intimacy with women is something that you have to earn. We’ve bastardized this idea to the point that the average man thinks that they are entitled to sex in exchange for being a nice guy; this is a common joke, even. Videogames and anime have reinforced this idea. Dating simulators are the worst offender: Saying nice things, giving gifts and spending time together raises your “relationship points” and it’s totally expected that you’ll get to a sex scene if you have enough points. The worst part is that this isn’t that far from the truth, those are perfectly normal things to do if you’re expecting to get closer to a girl. I have lived by this idea, but we all get lost at some point along the way. We rush things, or wait too long, or in general don’t know what we’re doing. The real deal is much more complicated than that. Yes, be nice to the person you’re trying to get closer to, but also try to understand them, feel this “sonder” about them: understand their goals, expectations and motivations, even if they’re just your friends now. And by all means, don’t take too long to make it clear what you expect from them.